almost one year

September 19, 2019

In 9 days it will have been one year since Holland died. Nothing has changed. nothing. I'm still just as confused, just as sad, just as stuck. I really hoped I'd be running some sort of foundation for SIDS babies or making a difference somehow but I'm not. I'm still just stuck. This makes me sad. It makes me sad its been an entire year but somehow .....we're all just the same. Kids are still hurting, marriage still hurting, individually still hurting. I guess that is normal. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I guess nothing is quite okay. Is anything ever okay? Is that a universal truth that things should be okay? Who knows? How am I 32 years old and I don't know what is normal and what is okay? ...........
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Its been almost a year. Its been a fucking year.......... that is not okay. its not okay. I haven't felt her soul, felt her laugh, felt her touch in almost a year. She was my baby, my youngest, my most miracle birthing experience.. my home.. my joy. I didn't do her enough justice while she was here because I was so busy moving and so busy. SO BUSY. how am i still feeling like I'm always so busy when I know what "SO BUSY" does? "So busy" takes away from what really matters. So busy takes away from moments, feelings, nourishing, loving, experiencing.
fuck so busy honestly.

youre never too busy for your kids. never. it makes me sick to think about.
it makes me sick to think about how literally nothing has changed although i know these truths. i still get too busy. tucker is so sensitive. quinn is so desperate for attention bc when teagan's not getting it, tucker is, when they are, shes not. is this just mom guilt? is this just how it goes? i always feel guilt in some sort of way; i'm always shorting someone. Quinn quoted me the other day and I was kind of proud... I don't have enough of me to go around so I often say, "I'm not an octopus, I only have 2 arms" LOL. so now she says it.


I'm still just confused on how I've buried my baby. How its been a year since I've done so. The strength most people witnessed and mentioned was just a form of shock I was in. I am not strong...I'm actually very, very weak. I succumb to just about every form of temptation or challenge. I wanted to be stronger by now. I wanted to be someone to follow. I wanted to be an inspiration but I'm not. I'm not any form of inspirational. I'm just weak. I'm sad. I want better but I am stuck. I don't know if losing my dad has attributed to the stuck-ness....I'm not sure if its just because I'm a weak bitch. I am not sure. I really wanted to do better in Holland's name, in my name, in my living kids' names...but I am not there.

I just don't know.. I'm trying. I am trying. I promise I'm trying. So hard. I am failing. I wish I weren't but I am...

I guess I just keep trying. Just keep trying. Claw my happy ass to the surface as far as I can.

I just wish I knew what was normal. What means I'm failing? What means I'm winning? What means anything?! I guess its subjective. For myself, I am failing. My kids are mostly happy. Thriving. Okay. I just don't know. Why do I feel like I am just stuck? AM I THE PROBLEM? I'm a mother afterall even if I am the problem.........................a mother doesn't just forget. not after you've seen what i have. Praying has gotten easier at least.