I think above all things, the most important thing to be is a good person. To like wake up and say how can I contribute today? But then actually act on it. To check on the people who need checked on and follow through. Isn't it a weird thing to think about people and know some people need things and not check on them? Like to spend your fingers to type "I'm praying for you" and not actually pray? No one forced you to type that if you have no inclination to send one up. I am not a perfect person or parent; in fact I fail daily ....I'm sure i've failed you at some point. For that I am sorry but please know I try and I juggle constantly and always come up short of fulfilling my goals but please don't stop reaching out. I never wanted anything more in my life than to be a wife and mom. As long as I can remember. I didnt even care about a wedding...I just wanted to be married and have kids...just went to college to pass the time I guess because I was smart. I know it seems so mediocre to some people, but we all have different goals and thats perfectly cool with me if I never have a career.... But I've been told that my heart is going to show itself to be a tool God uses me for but I'm not sure how unless one of my kids does something life changing for others... or unless i stumble upon something that helps. maybe just who i am daily is enough. maybe. deep down I feel like sometimes im too much for this world. I'm not sure why. I don't want to die or anything, in fact I feel more mentally sane than I have in a long while. I find joy in serving others, in doing kind deeds, in seeing people smile, in knowing i'm living right and modeling kindness and empathy to my kids to help them become more kind and empathetic. So i guess even doing good deeds can be selfish because I find joy in them...but if it feels right...its right..right? I apologize too much because I never have intentions on offending ANYONE. I try so hard to imagine how i'd feel going through whatever anyone i know is going through or has been through. I do know I can't be everything to everyone & I've gotten a lot better about stretching myself too thin. This summer has been difficult with that..trying to be everything to everyone and constantly coming up short.... I go through a lot too but I'll never stop trying to make that little difference in someone's day because its so easy to do so but I can learn to say no or not take on SO much.
I've always felt like I was a little off, a little too much, a little too weird. I think its because of my deep seeded need to help and it just never quits. Even in high school when everyone thought I was some huge bitch, I was the one who spent time out of school with the girl everyone made fun of and got to know her parents, etc..I was the one who watched those cooooool kids dump water on the floor so innocent people would fall and told on them because how F'D UP honestly and mortified one girl and I can still see her face and the ketchup flying and the whole cafeteria laughing.....horrible. Can't say I never acted selfishly then or now...that i'd rather feed my kids non organic frozen waffles than cook a freshly made meal bc i'm tired or that i never was harsh to someone for no good reason but I believe some people never change.
I over explain because i need to be understood...once i was just told "no one is just nice for no reason." But yes, they are. I don't want anything back. I've been shown major kindness from friends and strangers in my life and while I don't know all of the intentions, I believe the majority of people want to help and have good intentions. I believe that there is evil and the world and sometimes its overwhelming because the good is hard to find every now and again..but if you can't see the good, then BE the good. I'm well aware of my faults, trust me... BEFORE YOU CAN POINT THEM OUT TO ME I'VE ALREADY CRITICIZED MYSELF. I'm self aware to a fault& I analyze what each person thinks in every interaction. Every snap or post I make I realize every angle you could have a negative thought about me and some I can live with and some I delete before too many see it and judge my random musing. I'm not saying this is life bliss being like that but we all want to be understood...there is RARELY an instance where I have a bad intention, just bad follow through at times due to circumstances. Like most the time my kids sleep through the night.....but theyve woken 10 times tonight hence why I am not asleep. If I had a bad intention, trust me you'd know it because I am not silent when I am on a tangent or when I'm returning what was given to me. But 99.9% of the time, I choose forgiveness and honesty and doing what is right because I can't fathom doing something different. I've felt for awhile now my heart is too much for the world. Its not that I don't think I belong...well actually it is that. Its just not that I want to die...I dont feel like I belong anywhere. I thought forever that it was normal to pull over on a hot day and offer the person walking either a ride or a bottle of water but I guess it isn't. I'm learning in my 31st year of life as a mother of 3 that not everyone has the same intentions. I mean I've known, but its just so more apparent now and I have zero time for games, fakeness, mean girl BS that surrounded my 20s. Why hurt someone if you have the chance to just NOT?! To actually quote mean girls, "calling someone fat doesn't make you any skinnier." Sometimes I will randomly bullshit as a way to make convo but I try my absolute hardest to not bring names or specifics into anything if you opened up to me. If you ask me not to, I won't tell Taylor but I do share most things with him and I know he doesn't tell anyone but I specifically won't if its too secret. Sometimes I avoid people that I know are negative. Sometimes I find myself being a follower just to connect with people who are special to me because their intentions arent excellent and I know this .......... like sending a screenshot of a mugshot to have the juicy gossip. Its annoying to bank on other people's misery although I'm aware some people deserve what is coming to them or what has.
My husband asked me what an old friend was up to and although I could choose to talk shit and dim her accomplishments. I gave him a glowing review because although I am insecure with my body and current accomplishments, why should I not celebrate hers? There is always someone that will be better, smarter, prettier, more fit, more together, etc than ME. I choose to believe that the people who are around, are around for a reason especially my husband so dimming another woman's shine to make mine seem brighter is unfair all around. When I fuck up I do my best to make reparations and fix my mistakes... I kind of don't mind being naive because it seems better than being cynical because cynical means I've kinda given up hope. I'm not trying to make myself seem like some kind of saint but I still feel somehow different ........ once I started doing more research on my deep empath personality I think it was amplified. I feel physical and mental pain when others are hurting and it keeps me up at night. I know that isn't "normal" per se ...not all common but not completely psychopath. My skeletons are 100% out there with my husband...he knows every thing about me that I could possibly fathom so theres nothing SO bad I guess he doesn't want to still be around. Right now this blog is a little shallow, surface value, venting style but I'd like to delve deeper into writing but I have no avenue to share it with people who would even get what I want to say. I can think of a few off the top of my head who have deep meaningful thoughts but it seems like the world has gone shallow & its a little more rare to read poetry or do like random kind deeds just to make people smile even if it turns out to be a minor inconvenience...a good deed is literally not about me or you its about them.idkkkkkkkkkkk im going crazy. i don't feel depressed I just struggle with trying to find out who is real in the world; people's intentions. fool me once, fine but I just don't honestly want to waste my time with shitty wolves in sheep's clothing if I can find the sheep faster to avoid problems. I do not think I am fully a people pleaser because I have no problem admitting when I think something is fucked...I just guess I don't want things to be fucked.
Why does it seem like the world is more depressed these days? Like almost everyone I know has been or is going through some sort of mental health issue and while it helps me better relate to their struggle, its weird to me that its so rampant yet so stigmatized still. It is probably not a "these days" type of issue because lets face it every group has been down at one point somehow. I was going to say everyone except white middle class men but in a way i feel sorry for men because of the macho bravado forced upon them since birth. I'm guilty of telling Quinn not to cry because if I didn't she would cry 45 times a day about damn near everything from socks to the sun peeking in the blinds...but I do try to be encouraging for her to be a strong independent woman who don't need no man. I try to be sensitive to the male plight with Taylor and Tucker so theyre both encouraged to show emotion and that is honestly something I super appreciate about Taylor because his sensitivity is something that makes him both unique and ideal. I cant stand apathy or coldness...been there done that..keep it movin.
