When we found out we were pregnant with baby number 3, it was quite a surprise that took awhile to set in. I was honestly a little terrified because Taylor traveled so much for work, Tucker was a full blown three-nager, and Quinn was beginning to get big opinions on just about everything. As it goes with any life-changing piece of news, all you can do is buckle up for the ride! We knew we’d want to go the midwife route for the birth and have another VBAC, but I really wanted to have a water birth. My last group of midwives who delivered Quinn were so amazing, but their hospital in Fort Worth doesn’t allow VBAC patients to attempt a water birth. As disappointed as I was to switch from their practice, I decided to get a consultation at Texas Health Cleburne with a newer doctor/midwife team at Grace OBGYN who I kept hearing great things about. Having to haul 2 kids to all my baby appointments only 4 minutes away made more sense at the time too since we are habitually late to every place we go. When I met my new midwife and doctor, it was relieving to hear that they were so supportive of everything I wanted and actually encouraged it, compared with stories I hear from other women’s birthing experiences where they have to fight tooth and nail to get what they want. Taylor and I played everything by ear pretty much and didn’t end up preparing nearly as much this time as we did for Quinn’s birth with things like hiring a doula, going to the chiropractor weekly, or taking birth bootcamp classes because I knew now that I was able to have a med-free VBAC and felt comfortable having him as my only support at birth knowing that Cleburne hospital and the dr/midwife were already so supportive of how I wanted things to go.
Taylor suggested pretty early on that we not find out the sex of the baby and if you know me, I despise surprises… like, DESPISE. I consider myself a planner and I research everything but somehow I made it through the 9 months not knowing! There were difficult-ish parts of not finding out like having to refer to the baby as “it” and having 20 minute long conversations with strangers at Wal-Mart about how I was definitely having a _____ because their daughter/sister/pastor’s wife carried JUUUUST like me and they had a_____too! We had some leftover baby stuff from both Tucker and Quinn but there are certain things each baby needs like a coming home outfit or even just a NAME that made not knowing kind of hard. This baby didn’t get a Pinteresty nursery like the other the other two did. We tried to have Tucker and Quinn share a room so that the extra room would be the new nursery but those two becoming roomies has been a work in progress... mostly dependent on how often the not-tired one would bug the other one until mean mom has to show her face and separate them back into their old rooms for sleep and sanity. Also, did I mention Quinn is the #DIAPERS4LYFE spokesgirl? I was reallyyy hoping to only have one in diapers this go ‘round but apparently she isn't interested in my hopes and dreams. Basically this pregnancy was a lot of survival mode with Taylor working out of town more often than not for a week or so at a time. The pregnancy apps had to keep up with how far along I was because ...LIFE=CHAOS. There weren’t weekly bumpdates comparing baby with a fruit or vegetable but every month or so when I threw myself together & looked more like a human being than a zombie, I’d milk it and take a belly picture. The chaos honestly helped my pregnancy fly by though so that was awesome!
Similarly to Quinn’s birth, I was walking around dilated to a 4 for weeks with regular contractions but not close enough or painful enough to actually mean something. With Quinn, I had cholestasis (which can cause stillborn babies) so we just induced by breaking my water and she was born fast and furious in a little under 3 hours. As we got closer to my due date and symptoms of labor were getting more frequent, I was legit concerned I'd give birth alone on my bathroom floor mistaking contractions for poop pains while Taylor was a hundred miles away. *FUN FACT: My mom nearly had me in a toilet at Chili’s for this very same reason and ended up getting wheeled out of there by EMTs* At my 39 week appointment, with Taylor at home, I talked to my midwife about being nervous about him being gone, having childcare set up, etc if I went into spontaneous labor. Because my cervix was so favorable, and the way this labor was seemingly deja vu from Quinn’s we decided to set up a time to break my water the next day. She went ahead and stripped my membranes too, because we were both hoping to get it going naturally. The fear was in the back of my head that I’d go in to get my water broken and NOTHING would play out as expected. Once the water is broken, it can be dangerous for infection, etc if the labor is not progressing which can result in interventions like pitocin to cause contractions, which leads to the need for an epidural...just lots of things I didn’t want. I hate being hooked up to a bed and I hate IV needles.
I talked to Taylor about it at lunch (at Chili's of all places) and he shared those fears too, so he called and cancelled the appointment to break my water and we pretty much did everything we could to try and go into labor on my own. I walked so much, ate spicy food, picked up some clary sage essential oil (which can bring/strengthen contractions), used a breast pump to bring contractions, drank the teas, sat on a birthing ball to open up my pelvis, ETCCC ...and in the true desperate spirit of getting this kid out did the act that got us here in the first place... which at 9 months pregnant is about as appealing as some kind of slow tortured death but hey, team work makes the dream work, right?!
(In related and completely non-bitter news, isn’t it crazy how much a woman’s body goes through to grow, birth, and nourish a human life while a man’s contribution to reproduction is a fraction of a second doing the one thing they think about 24/7 anyway?!)
Okay so, after literally doing everything in the world to bring contractions, they were getting more and more regular and more intense. We sent the kids off to my in-laws and I tried to sleep but couldn’t so I cleaned the house instead, hoping to keep my mojo going. We decided pretty late at night that labor clearly wasn’t far off anyway so we’d go ahead and go in the morning to break my water. My photographer had a scheduled csection that morning so my midwife was on board with waiting until she was en route to break my water. They told us to go get breakfast and come back when it was closer to go time. Knowing the ladies in charge of my birth were actually encouraging me to eat before labor was awesome and generally unheard of in a hospital birth! I went ahead and packed high-energy snacks though like granola, almonds, and honey sticks just in case it was a long labor.
When we returned from breakfast, the charge nurse brought us into our room and I went to offer her my birth plan but she had already gotten a copy from my midwife and familiarized herself with our wishes for the birth! It was like the theme song to Cheers suddenly started playing! "Where everyyybodyyy knows your naameeee" She said that the direction we were wanting everything to go aligned with how the hospital already practices... basically evidence-based, hands-off unless an emergency, & family-centered. That was another great feeling, knowing we wouldn't have to advocate for or repeat ourselves during labor. I kept it short and sweet on one page so it wasn’t like I was trying to be the Mariah Carey diva of L&D with a huge list of unwavering demands. Flexibility is super important since there are many variables with all aspects of labor & birth but I've always felt it is good to be informed enough to know and ask for my preferences with decisions involving my body and baby. It is one of the most important days of a woman's life, after all!! You wouldn't just show up to your wedding and put on whatever dress your officiant picked out or serve whatever cake the baker already had made so why not have preferences for birth as well?! Anyway, I am big on comfort and feeling empowered in vulnerable situations so most of my choices in childbirth relate to that. I labored in my own clothes: a maxi skirt, sports bra and tank top and listened to my own music with the freedom to move around during labor/delivery with whatever felt natural to me thanks to the use of a portable, waterproof monitor. Taylor would be the only person to know if I seriously wanted pain relief based on my behavior and how things were progressing, so I asked to not be offered any pain medication by staff members. In the event that I did reach a vulnerable state where I lost focus and succumbed to whatever they offered, I’d be seriously irritated afterward with myself and whoever was peddling epidurals around all willy nilly. Having a plan can help keep you chuggin along ON the wagon since everyone is on the same page. :) The one thing I wanted the most (besides a healthy baby & vaginal birth) that I put on the birth plan was having Taylor or me be the one to announce whether baby was a boy or girl. With Quinn’s birth I dreamed sooo long of being able to say “I did it!” to my natural VBAC, to receive a healing experience that would redeem everything from Tucker’s. This time, my whole pregnancy I kept dreaming of the moment we'd meet our surprise baby and it being a beautiful triumphant experience announcing ourselves whether it was a girl or boy! Neither one of us had a preference toward one gender, but since I had nothing much to go on with this baby’s identity beyond being super active at night and giving me horrific heartburn 24/7, I was super excited to finally put a face with our blind date baby!!
While waiting for my photographer, Ashley, to finish up at her first birth of the day, I sat on the birthing ball doing my hair and makeup and filling in some of the baby book. I’d never met Ashley but we had a lot in common and hit it off online right away so I wasn't nervous at all with a stranger seeing me in all my glory. When she got there, I told her first thing that I am not particularly modest or shy and to make herself at home in whatever way she needed to. My midwife, Jenn, came in around 12:45 to break my water and basically confirmed that my “bag of steel” was all that was keeping me pregnant. I was feeling a little more relieved that coming in was not a mistake and hopefully things would progress soon. Having your water broken and feeling it….is so so bizarre. I felt gross because after the initial gush...when I’d move in a new way or stand up etc...more gushing. Luckily I had one of those fancy gigantic postpartum pads and mesh undies to prevent any social faux pas I could commit at housekeeping’s expense.
And so it begins!
There are sweet songs from my wedding I'll cherish forever, feel-good songs driving around with my kids in the summertime with the windows down, & songs for my inner superstar that I belt out in the shower... For me, music sets so much of every life story so I definitely had some labor playlists to set the upcoming moods accordingly. One was upbeat stuff to move & dance in active labor with such bangers as Me & U by Cassie and Dirrty by Christina Aguilera. The mellow playlist was for once I needed to focus inwardly for strength with a super random sprinkling of comforting, meaningful music like Counting Crows and Guster. Taylor and I walked the halls of the hospital taking “IT’S GO TIME” pictures & listening to my upbeat playlist with mixed nervousness and excitement. We have a super goofy relationship and I was dancing around, attempting karate kicks and lunges with my massive belly while waiting for things to get going. As we made more laps around the hospital “Toxic” by Britney came on...If you know me, its clear that some choreography still stored in my memory from high school was sadly attempted. The urge to joke quickly turned serious when I kept having to stop and breathe through contractions. I felt this distinct sharp pain that I recognized from both Tucker and Quinn’s birth when the contractions came closer combined with no padding left from my water, which I can only describe as someone branding me with a sharp fire poker from inside my lady business. I immediately felt a sense of dread...it was way too early to be feeling such noticeable pain. We both got worried either I was feeling super delicate (I have a pretty high pain tolerance) orrrr it was going to be ROUGH from the get go. We prayed that if it was rough it would just be a sprint, not a marathon. I’m lucky my husband is the type of guy who took a true interest during all the birthing classes so he knew by the changes in my disposition that this was moving from active labor to transition and FAST!! We came back to the room and I tried to get back on the birthing ball but as those contractions got harsher and closer together I could not find a way to get comfortable. I tried to breathe through them, we tried heating packs on my back, resting my weight on him while swaying, he did compressions on my back, etc but it was still pretty difficult to get through. I did my best to tell myself to open up to the pain; to breathe and accept it and then relax until the next wave hit but the breaks were not long. It had just been a little over an hour since my water had been broken and I was starting to become more vocal. In my other 2 births, I can recall actively avoiding making any noises, feeling like it was weird, but honestly somehow this low, deep, hummmmmm helped to release extra tension from my body. I thought for a half second to feel self-conscious of whatever barnyard kumbaya noises I was making but quickly realized SCREW THAT...because it was helping me ride the waves instead of anticipating them and tensing up.
The plan was to start filling up the tub when I was dilated to a 7 or so but pretty soon--sooner than ANY of us imagined, I started feeling the urge to push. It is soo undeniable. I yelled out “I cannot stop it!” and my nurse ran out of my room to get ahold of my midwife. A minute or 2 passed and again I was feeling the unmistakable urge to bear down and was telling Taylor I could not stop the feeling. My body was literally pushing my baby out without anyone telling me to, or even ME actively trying to push. I can’t explain how crazy it was, feeling my body at work. During the 3rd “push” I let out a little toot and Taylor freaked out and ran flailing out of the room like "OHHHH GOD SOMEONE HELP!!" We are still cracking up about how this was the moment when he knew SHIT WAS SERIOUS. I was immediately greeted with a wheelchair and several nurses ready to wheel me down to the birthing tub room, but my stubbornness and I walked there instead.
Once in the birthing tub room, I was leaning over the bed with pillows supporting my elbows. The one thing I hate about birth, and as hands-off as my providers were, I had to have a hep-lock in case I needed IV fluids. I am a freak about needles and I couldn’t find a comfortable position for my wrists to rest bearing all my weight knowing it was in there so I rested on my elbows and tried to sway. I was basically pushing at this point through each contraction. The tub wasn’t all the way full because everything was progressing so quickly and we hadn’t even had a chance to check for my dilation but it was pretty certain my body needed no checks to know what time it was. It was semi blurry because I was so inwardly focused, but in the background my amazing nurse, Toni, was doing everything in her power to help me get my water birth and had all hands on deck running with buckets and pitchers to other rooms filling up the tub. I wanted to get down on my knees because the urge to crouch or bend at the knees became uncomfortable while standing. We quickly took my skirt off and I moved onto all fours with my elbows on a stool and my knees on the floor. The low humming noises I'd been making during contractions earlier were replaced with some sort of guttural cavewoman grunts with every push. I know Jenn and Taylor were right there rubbing my back, encouraging me but I was seriously in my own world...what I’d describe as like a fully uninhibited, almost animalistic state. Every boy I've ever had a crush on, including all 3 Hanson brothers, could have entered the room & I'd still be doin' my thang, no cares given, not even noticing their presence. If I’d have been self conscious in any way I really think it would have slowed things down. Jenn offered to let me get in the tub but since it wasn’t quite full and babies need to born completely submerged, I would have had to change positions into more of a squat in the tub. Since I was already comfortable where I was and didn't want to change positions at the moment, I opted to stay put. I briefly remember Taylor asking since he was already in his swim trunks, if he got in there with me, would the water level raise to allow me to be on all fours like I was... but at that point our baby was sooo close to coming, it was best if I stayed put. He was just trying to make sure everything happened like I wanted so I thought him even coming up with this science-y water displacement solution in a crucial time was soo sweet and SOO TAYLOR...that is how his brain always works! Even though he was tuned in to me and doing his best, at some point I accidentally snapped at him while he was rubbing my back. I guess his anxiousness had him rubbing a little harder and faster than necessary, causing me to blurt out "ARE YOU TRYING TO START A FIRE!? STOP RUBBING ME!" OOPS, lol, poor guy but it was freaking hot and I was probably minutes away from getting legit friction burns with the overzealous "comfort" he was providing. His normal everyday back rubs are also terrible & if you're a fan of the show FRIENDS, we've always joked that he's like Monica and gives the "best bad massages."
Anyway--I’d been going full force, completely following my body this entire time, but there was a moment I was scared to push anymore because I thought I was going to rip BAD! Jenn told me to try to breathe through it and give myself the chance to stretch a little more instead of pushing again. That feeling is terrifying-- like, "can I temporarily stop my body aka 'the force of nature on a mission' in order to save my innocent vagina's whole future?! Stay tuned!!!" I did my best to distract myself and stifle the urge to push, taking breaths, before it felt safe to continue. With Quinn’s birth, during the “ring of fire” I had the overwhelming need to pinch something and since he was forced to love me forever, I reached out and pinched Taylor's stomach HAAARDDD with all my might. Thankfully this time my urge was the complete opposite and I breathlessly yelled out “KISS ME!!” His face was so sweet and full of love in that moment... everyone in the room let out a resounding “AWWWW!” as our baby was crowning and we were kissing. I surely didn’t plan it, but when I replay it in my mind...the look on his face and our sweet baby seconds away from coming into the world surrounded by so much love and support was super special.
Once the baby's head was out, all the pain was gone. The fear of ripping was gone. I literally said with relief “OKAY... I’M DONE!” and everyone’s like... “no girlfriend you still have to push the rest of the baby out…” LOL like I totally knew that but for some reason instead of saying “all the pain is gone, woohoo!” I made it seem like I was just gonna take off like a mama giraffe, walking around all nonchalantly with a baby head sticking out from behind. I got teased a few times for that one! From there, I think it took one more good push to get the body through and my midwife fed the baby to me between my legs so I could be the first to look and announce boy or girl. Pulling her through and up toward me was seriously indescribable; the most exhilarating, empowering, natural experience I’ve ever had. I sat back to look, and announced “ITS A GIRL!!! I DID IT!! ITS A GIRL!!” The moment was identical to what I pictured and dreamed of throughout my entire pregnancy! I held her to me and instantly felt such a deep connection I was brought to tears. It was perfect. She was perfect. Any pain I felt just minutes before was nonexistent and our baby girl was earthside and we were both healthy. She was the cheesiest, most vernix covered baby I have ever seen!! I loved it! I held her and walked over to the bed with her cord still attached and we waited for it to stop pulsing before Taylor got to cut it. The fact I walked across the room with a baby still attached to me via umbilical cord seconds after giving birth is a pretty amazing testament to what a woman's body is capable of and I was on a true high that lasted for days. I feel like the joy, awe, and love between us all was palpable and the instant fierce love we had for our blind date baby was so relieving. I’d been nervous that since I didn’t get all those moments in utero buying and planning for a certain child that I’d have trouble bonding but that couldn’t have been further from the truth.
I loved that they didn’t whisk her away to assess her; they did it right on my chest. The kids got to come right away to meet her before she even got weighed or measured. It was all so family centered. Tucker and Quinn were decked out in their "big bro" and "big sis" shirts and walked in all giggly and excited. Since we found out I was pregnant, Tucker has maintained with 100% consistency that he wanted a baby sister & his reaction to meeting her was exactly what I expected...utter pride & awe at her tiny cuteness! I think they were convinced the last month that the baby was never going to come out of my belly, so finally meeting her was the coolest thing ever! Ashley took more pictures of the kids' reaction to meeting her and us all holding her!
To add more joy...my bleeding was minimal, I didn’t tear at all (HALLELUJAH PRAISE THE LORD), and I was up walking again within 20-30 minutes feeling great. We took the most amazingly relaxing herbal bath following the birth where she latched perfectly for the first time. I seriously loved that the herbal bath was not just offered, but fully encouraged and prepared for us. Everything from start to finish, despite not making it into the tub was an amazing, wonderful experience and I have zero regrets. She was born at 2:42 pm so literally just short of 2 hours from breaking my water to being born. She weighed 7lbs 9oz! I find it crazy that both of my VBAC babies were by far bigger than my csection baby and I was told back then my body just couldn't birth naturally because my hips weren't wide enough. Apparently my hips dont lie but that doctor did, repeatedly! (Sorry I had to!)
Taylor has said over and over how amazed he was about the whole process and that he was even more attracted to me after seeing me in such a raw, maternal setting with my body doing its thing. He said the way I delivered her was so awesome, like doing what felt natural to me. Seriously-- I kept catching him looking at me a certain way in the hospital and I'd ask why and he'd just be like "Danggggggg! You're hot!" LOL. I guess his primal caveman instincts were also ignited that day..."ME LIKE PRETTY WIFE LADY. HER HAVE BABY GOOD. TAYLOR VERY HAPPY."
The baby was without a name the entire pregnancy since we didn't know the gender and we couldn't make a final decision without "knowing" her. We had one gender-neutral name that we were pretty close to being settled on, no middle names, and a list I made from when we first found out I was pregnant. Now that we knew she was a girl, even though we loved the gender neutral name, we scanned the list of girl names to see if something stuck out. The name Holland stuck out to both of us and we quickly agreed on it and went to bed. The next morning bright and early, the birth certificate lady asked if we had decided anything. We still needed a middle name so we asked her to come back in a few hours. In those few hours, I slept and he ran some errands, so when she returned... we looked at each other like "WELL CRAP." We asked for just a little more time, and quickly scanned a list of middle names.....he picked Brynn & I agreed. Holland Brynn Berry. Even though it was a quick decision, seeing it on her hearing screen certificate reiterated for both of us that it was absolutely perfect! We couldn’t have asked for a better experience with everything from our actual birth to our wonderful care providers and I am truly glad we had everyone we did assisting us with bringing Holland into the world!
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