panic set in!

All I have been doing for the last two months is researching everything baby: pinning baby advice, reading ratings on cribs, strollers, monitors etc, watching birthing videos, educating myself on natural birth etc etc......and for the first time today I honestly got really scared. I'm not scared about birth really, I'm super terrified of breast feeding! First of all, I hate my nipples being messed with EVER, they are really sensitive! TMI, yes, but once you have kids, I feel like nothing is TMI anymore... Also, I am super vain about my boobs. I've always been super proud of them and now they're going to be ruined! I saw the videos of breast pumps and it makes your nipple sooooooooooo long, its gross!! And the fact that they can get sore, flaky, chapped, ETC ETC ETC. You can get a NIPPLE YEAST INFECTION aka Thrush... and its all just disgusting. I know the nutrition and benefits that breastfeeding will provide my little boo and me makes it worth it... but goodness, this is really what I am dreading the most with having a baby! The nipple in the pumping video will haunt my dreams...it looked like a cow's udder!!! wahh wahh.

I guess it also kicked in that I am completely and totally responsible for someone else's life. NO GIVESIES BACKSIES!! I'd realized this tidbit before, OBVIOUSLY, but I don't know..he's getting bigger and growing in there and some of my excitement has just made me freakin' nervous!! I know I can do it, and I know I'll be a good mom... there's a million possibilities over what could go wrong.......yet a million of what could go right.

I keep seeing these little boys everywhere, and I'm thinking a million different things:
"will my son be like you?"
"i hope he's as cute as you!!"
"he will be cuter than you."
"I'm going to dress him like you."
"Aww what pretty eyes."
"MY GOD, I hope he doesn't behave like you."

I think I have gained 7 lbs. I'm not really worried about weight gain either...I've always been small, I don't expect to shrink right back after baby...I'm not Heidi Klum, but I'm giving myself 6 months post-baby and if I look like a busted can of biscuits I'm working it out. But time spent with my little boo is more important than flat abs. For me, at least.

Time is going by so quickly! I can't wait for him to be here, but there's still so much to do!

I'm at 21 weeks, with just 19 to go!
more later.....xoxo